Hello and welcome to episode 18 of The Spectrum. This was recorded on May 24, 2025. It’s been about ten years since same sex marriage was legal throughout the United States. In today’s episode, we’re going to look at the impact of that decision on my own life.

In October 2014, Lauri and I had been together for just over six years. We had bought a house together the year before. Our commitment to each other was very clear to us. From our perspective, we were married but we lived in a state that had put discrimination against gay people in it’s constitution in 2006. We had talked about getting married in Maine, where Lauri is from, or Maryland, where I was from, but I was hesitant. It would create this legally contorted situation where the state in which we lived would not recognize our marriage. It would make things more complicated for us, and yet, offer little actual protection. While it would have symbolic value, I wanted to get married where we lived and things were changing quickly. I had reason to be optimistic. And besides, we joked, if we were going to make one side travel for a wedding, we should make both sides come to us!

In October 2014, my optimism was rewarded when  the Supreme Court declined to hear an appeal that effectively struck down Virginia’s ban on same-sex marriage. That evening, Lauri proposed and I accepted. While this particular court case would not make our marriage recognized throughout the country, it would be recognized where we lived and that was the deciding factor for us.

Suddenly, we had to plan a wedding, something neither of us had really ever expected to be on our radar screens.

We both wanted our friends and family to be there but we also wanted to keep it a small event. We found a venue not far from where we lived and set a date for May 23, 2015. We made our guest list and sent out invitations. We found a cake and a photographer. It all went far more smoothly than we feared it might. Every business we talked to was not just accepting but helpful. We arranged for an “after party” at our house after the reception since so many would be coming from out of state. Everything went perfectly save for my mother passing in January 2015. Her final illness came on very suddenly and there was no way to predict it ahead of time or we would have tried to do things more quickly. Her physical presence was deeply missed on the day but her emotional presence was definitely felt.

As we were preparing for the wedding, the Supreme Court heard the Obergefell v. Hodges case in April 2015 and based on the questions asked by the judges, there was reason to be hopeful.

The night before the wedding, our families were gathered at our house. Many of them were meeting for the first time yet they meshed together like it was a meeting of old friends. 

The date of the wedding came and it was a beautiful spring day. I thought I would be nervous but I wasn’t. I felt joy and the certainty that I was where I was supposed to be. Wedding are often tedious affairs for the guests. Or maybe that’s just me. But, so many of our guests told us this was the best wedding they had ever attended. It was also the only wedding where lines from The Princess Bride were used but that’s another story. The love and support from everyone was palpable and their energy helped make they day even better.

Ten years have gone by since that day. Sadly, not everyone who was at our joyous day is still with us, including Lauri’s mother. But, we were so happy that she could be with us that day. We lost a friend two friends to disease and I lost a great nephew to a tragic accident. But, the memory of them sharing this day with us will never fade. We also lost a pair of friends to the political divide that have hurt so many in the last decade. I hope that our paths will one day reconnect but the disconnect that happened between us doesn’t change the happiness they helped bring that day and in the years before that.

One month later and the Obergefell decision made our marriage recognized through the US. It felt like the country was posed on the cusp of a great awakening.

Then 2016 happened. But, then 2020 happened. And, then 2024 happened.

During the intervening years, there has been a great deal of backsliding in this country with respect to civil rights, especially in 2025. The optimism we felt in 2015 has changed to fear for many. This is what has prompted this whole podcast and this episode in particular.

Clarence Thomas has openly invited challenges to Obergefell and my marriage is suddenly at risk. Ultimately marriage is a state of mind and heart and nothing any government does can change that but those holding the levers of power can make the lives of people they disapprove of very difficult and the current administration seems to be of that mindset.

I can’t predict the future. I’ve proven time and again how bad I am at it. Instead, I want to help create the future I want. This is a future where we get along with those who are different from the rest of us. This is a future where we can take joy in the knowing that there are others that have managed to find their own little bit of joy.

The irony of this is that marriage is inherently a conservative institution. Those who say they are conservative should be happy that there are people who want the same things they do. We might want it with different people but we want the same thing. We are not so different as you think.

As I’ve said, I can’t predict the future. I’ve seen many marriages fail and often the cause was not obvious to those of us on the outside. I do know that my own marriage is the most important relationship in my life. I never want to take it or her for granted and I want to do everything I can to nourish and strengthen it. It’s a cliche but Lauri makes me want to be a better me. That’s probably going to end up being more aspirational than actually possible but I plan to keep on trying. I can say that it the last ten years have flown by and it sill feels like our wedding was just last month. 

There are many different kinds of love and I’ve never been the kind of person to believe that there is just one person out there who is your soul mate. But, I’ve been lucky enough to find someone who makes me incredibly happy.

I’ve found the joy of not just having Lauri in my life but of a daughter. Lauri and I did not meet until she was an adult but this was an unexpected joy and, now, the recent addition of a grandchild, is a joy I never ever expected. Lauri and I each gained a family who made us feel welcome. In many ways, though they are geographically distant, it feels like one large family.

These are just some of the reasons of why I do what I can to help create a world where equality is a reality and not just words on paper. This is an emotional topic for me and if some of that emotion has come through in my voice, I might be embarrassed by it, but I can’t say that I’m sorry. These aren’t abstract topics. They affect real people and if this bit of my story helps someone understand why it’s so important to us, then I’m willing to be a bit embarrassed.

Ten years have gone by and none of the doom predicted by those opposed to same sex marriage has occurred. What has happened are thousands, perhaps, tens or even hundreds of thousands of same-sex marriages. Not all of those have stood the test of time. But, that’s no different than it is in the wider community. The Obergefell decision has allowed so many people to just exist as another part of society. They have been able to publicly proclaim their love and they have been able to provide the legal protections that anyone wants for the person they love. I rest easier knowing that if something happened to me that Lauri would not have a legal battle with the government to claim what she is entitled to and I know she feels the same way if something were to happen to her. 

My wedding day was the happiest day of my life, but in many ways, it was only a glimpse of what followed and I what I hope is yet to come. 

If you have your own story about LGBT life you would like to share, whether positive or negative, please reach out to me at spectrumpodcasthost@gmail.com. The embarrassment is totally optional.

Until next time, take care.