Hello, and welcome to episode 29 of The Spectrum. This was recorded on September 1, 2025.

Today’s episode is the final part of a a three part series. 

This is the life story of a transgender woman we are going to call Emma. She wanted to share her story but also wanted to remain anonymous to protect her and her family.

To protect her identity, we’ve digitally altered her voice and appearance but the words and inflection and emotion you will experience are entirely hers.

This part covers the period from her surgery through to the present.

With that, let’s turn it over to Emma:

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After a year had gone by I talked to my therapist about surgery. I felt like I had answered the questions I needed to answer. I hadn’t cried myself to sleep since I had resolved to see if this was a path I could follow. I felt optimism about the future. I had retained my job, most of my friends and family and felt better than I had in my adult life. I was as sure as I could be that I was on the right path.

My therapist agreed with me. She wrote a letter and I had to see another professional for a second opinion. They sent their medical opinions to the surgeon and we scheduled a date. 

About three weeks before the date for my surgery, I was invited to a party. The friend who invited me knew my background – he had seen me through my transition, but we weren’t close. I didn’t know his other friends and they didn’t know me.

At this party, a man started paying me a lot of attention. I found I was returning it. I felt extremely validated to be seen for who I was. At least, up until he tried to convince me to go off into a spare bedroom with him. I declined but he kept pressuring me until I snuck out and went home. My friend called the next day to check up on me because I really did sneak out. Nobody saw me leave and he didn’t know why I had disappeared. I told him and he apologized for his friend’s behavior.

The weird thing is how conflicted I felt. It felt great to be seen for who I really was. It felt great to be seen as attractive. What he did wasn’t great though. But, I was being treated exactly how so many other women have been treated and bad as that was, it felt great to be accepted. I know how messed up that sounds but that is what I was feeling in that moment.

Three weeks later, I travelled to the doctor and I went to consult with the doctor one day, stayed in a hotel that night and then checked into the hospital late on the second day for surgery the following morning.

The night in the hotel I had a vivid dream. I dreamt I was back at my college and talking to the woman I had nearly married. She told me she wanted to get back together but we couldn’t if I went through with this. I told her that I loved her but that I had to do this. If I didn’t then I wouldn’t be of any use to anyone. As much as I cared about her and the chance to be with her, I had to be true to who I was. I woke up with that dream fresh in my mind. I didn’t feel sad. I felt at peace with myself and that I was where I needed to be.

The morning of surgery, as they rolled me into the operating room, I felt calm. I wasn’t excited or agitated but pretty laid back. They hadn’t given me anything to relax me. When they hooked up the heart monitor and I heard my pulse, it sounded normal. I asked and was told that it was 70. I thought that my body must know that it’s where it is supposed to be and it’s ok with this so it must be ok. It was my final test.

My roommate in the hospital was a 75 year old woman who had her gender confirmation surgery the day I checked into the hospital. I was 27 and I felt like I was borderline too old and here I was rooming with someone who could have been my grandmother. She had been married to a woman and raised a family and she had promised her wife she would not pursue transition so long as she lived. When her wife died before she did, she felt able to proceed. She was a great roommate. We talked and joked and enjoyed each other’s company. I never saw her again but she taught me that doors could remain open a lot longer than I thought and I’ve tried to remember that in my own life.

Many transgender people start down this process thinking that surgery is going to solve all the problems in their lives. I know I did. But, it doesn’t. It solves one problem and I don’t want to downplay how important that problem is, but it does’t solve anything but that problem. Surgery isn’t the solution all our problems. It is the graduation ceremony for having done the work to solve the problems, at least that’s how it felt to me. That’s what the work with my therapist made me realize. She said it was her job to make sure I kept my feet on the ground and to help me make good choices for my life. I think she did a great job. When it became clear that surgery was going to happen, I was able to arrange a meeting with her and my mom and sister. Both were still struggling with what I was doing but wanted to understand and I had not been able to help them do that, at least not enough to reassure them that I was going to be ok. I don’t know what they talked about but I do know that they seemed less worried about me after that.

After surgery, I started the next phase of my life.  I interviewed for a new position in the company, one that I really wanted. I didn’t get it and I didn’t get it because of who I was. I had people who were in my court but the decision makers were not among them.

I began to socialize more. I found that the attention I got at the party prior to surgery continued though without the unwanted pressure. I was returning the interest. I was still attracted to women but I also seemed to be attracted to men. I figured I guess that means I’m bisexual. I dated some men. One even got serious enough for me to tell him about my past. He took it well at first but the next day, he freaked out. 

A few months later, I met a friend of a friend who worked at a company doing some really interesting things. We got to talking and she said I should send in a resume. I did, went for an interview and they like me and I liked them. Suddenly, I was off to a new state and a new adventure.

Given that I had worked at a place where everyone knew about me, I figured that at the new place, “when asked, will tell”. Nobody asked. I realized six months had gone by and not only had nobody asked, I hadn’t thought about my situation at all. I was just living my life and being accepted for who I was. I had received a gift that I never expected. I had expected to live the rest of my life with the shadow of my past hanging over me. I had decided I could live with that. Then I found out that it didn’t have to be that way.

I dated a few more men, but I found that if they stuck around enough to want it to become serious, I started pulling away. It wasn’t until this happened with someone who was already a close friend — someone that I wanted to be able to return that desire — that I realized it wasn’t the individual men. It was men in general. The attraction I’d felt earlier, it wasn’t there any more. I don’t know whether it was real at the time or it was just me trying to convince myself that it was out of some desire to be “normal”. Whether it was real or not in the past, it certainly wasn’t there now. 

I began to connect with the lesbian community and that ultimately led me to the woman I married. 

I’ve now lived more of my life post-surgery than I had before it. Never once have I doubted that I made the right decision. My life isn’t perfect. But it’s imperfect in the same kinds of ways everyone else’s is. Overall, I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job of finding peace and happiness. 

One of the things I realized, though it wasn’t until years after it had happened was that I was no longer “passing”. I was “being”. I had made my new place in the world and I was living my life. I was no longer worried about how people would see me or react to me. That was the real gift that I received and it was one I never expected. It’s that and the feeling of being who I am supposed to be that have me certain that I made the right decision.

I may not be the Disney Princess that I envisioned as a child but I found out the things I thought I wanted were not really that important to me. I realized that I didn’t want or need the most feminine presentation around and I joked with someone that my desire for comfortable shoes should have made me realize that I was destined for the lesbian community. That’s a joke, of course! I do know straight women who definitely prefer comfortable footwear!

There are people in my life who know about my past and there are people that don’t. Most that do are either family or friends whom I’ve know for a long time. Those that don’t simply accept what they see just as they would with you. Would they feel differently about me if they knew about my past? I hope not but I don’t know.

That gift of being able to just live my life has brought me inner peace that I’d never thought possible. It also enables me to hide from the nastiness that is so often directed at transgender people. I’m not brave enough to reveal who I am here but I can’t sit by and let people like me get hurt just because they haven’t been as lucky as I have. That’s why I’m sharing my story here.

We’re at a time when politicians are going on television and telling people that gender affirming care should be made illegal. I can tell you that if it hadn’t been available to me, I probably would not be alive today. And, if I had survived, I’d very likely be a miserable shell of a person. Gender affirming care saved my life. If I had been brave enough to speak up earlier, it could have saved me years of anguish and physical difficulty. If I had received gender affirming care before puberty, it would have prevented so many physical problems I had to deal with as an adult. If I had understood that as a child it might have given me the courage to speak. I can’t change the past but if my story helps you understand why gender affirming care is so critical for transgender people – children or adults  – how it can make their lives so much better then this was worthwhile.

Some people think that transgender people suffer from a mental disorder. Most transgender people feel like they have a physical problem. The truth is that it doesn’t matter which of those is right or if neither of them is. I could not change my sense of self no matter how much I tried, and I tried for years. I tried every alternative I could until I proved they wouldn’t work. Transition and surgery were the only things that resolved that internal conflict. I hope you can tell from my words that I didn’t make my decisions lightly and that I care deeply about how the decisions in my life also affect the other people in my life. My wife tells me I’m the most normal person she knows. I know she’s biased but my friends and even acquaintances have said they see me as someone who is grounded. My life is full and happy. I’ve been very lucky. A lot of that is because most of the people in my life accepted and supported me. I am blessed to have such a wonderful, caring family and friends. I know so many transgender people that didn’t get that kind of acceptance from the people in their lives and how much it hurt them.

I do hope that my story will help you understand what it’s like for a transgender person. I also hope that you will forgive my need to keep my identity hidden. 

Thanks for your time and attention through this very long story. I do hope it helped.

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This concludes Emma’s story.

Thanks to Emma for sharing her story. It’s a shame we live in a world where people who have done nothing wrong have to hide who they are to protect themselves from harassment or worse. Hopefully, Emma’s story will give peole some insight into what transgender people experience.

Hopefully, Emma’s story will give people some insight into what transgender people experience.

If you have a story about LGBT+ life you would like to share, contact me at spectrumpodcasthost@gmail.com.

If you find this kind of content helpful and you want to help make it visible to other people, please like and subscribe if you are watching on YouTube, and if you’re listening on a pod catcher, please leave a review.

Until next time, take care.